Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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