I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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