Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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