Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
