Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
