I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
