So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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