sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
