I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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