i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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