I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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