Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
