Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
