In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
