I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
