dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
