just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
