I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
