I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
