I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
