I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
