Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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