It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
