made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
