Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
