I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
