NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize