it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
It was like getting head from an anaconda
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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