Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
