So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
