Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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