i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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