The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
