what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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