hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
