genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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