Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
