She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Bring me that man meat
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
