It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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