He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
