So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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