i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
