her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
