you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
