I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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