When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
