dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
