the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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