I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
