I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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