omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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