i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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