After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
