and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
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