Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
