Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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