my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
