Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
