Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
