You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
