I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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