i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
