im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize